judith rosa lee

eek i have been working at abercrombie and outback like crazy. the season is pretty much over in this town and im feeling like its about that time to get going out of here. it seems like everyday is someone's last day of work and the are heading back to school. My last day at abercrombie is tomorrow and outback's is monday.

I have been staying over at Amber and Tanners place this week cause corky's closed and they went to memphis to get stuff and then the went to jacksonville to find a place to live since thats where tanners new job is. i love being here. i am just so relaxed in the midst of ambers things cause i just love her and i loved living with her last summer. so much has changed in the past year and her and tanner and so serious and i feel like we are growing up so fast! im totally jealous of tanner too cause he gets all her time! no good!!! but hes a really awesome guy and she really lucked out. amber wants me to move to jacksonville and live with them in the spring and i am considering it. it would be weird living with them but at least i would get to see more of amber! axel and me are having fun hanging out in the empty house. shes the best cat ever and shes like 17 now.

i dyed my hair dark brown which is really my natural color but it has been so light lately that everyone is like wtf did you do!?

me and sam are going to dinner on monday night and i am so excited cause i have the biggest crush on that girl! haha.

i bought a shirt at work today that says "blondes tease. brunettes please." hot.

i took off my "karma ring" and bought myself a new ring finger ring. this one means so much more to me than the first one and its not going to come off until im married. the karma one did serve its purpose and it was very important to me and it kept me thinking straight for a long time. and the new ring with serve a somewhat similar purpose and i am so happy and confident in my decision about all of that.

i got transfered into the altamonte adult store so maybe i can meet some cool people at work this year. i still dont know if im going to work at the WPOB, i would like to just do takeaway there a few days a week but i dont know if they will let me. bev is so mean i dont know if i want to deal with her again.

im kinda anxious about moving back right now. i think about where i was last year in my life and sometimes im like wow i have come so far and sometimes im like man, i havent done a thing. its sort of stressful. i wish i knew what i was doing already so i can just do it and feel like i havent been wasting my life away. im glad i dont have to get everything set up to live in an apartment again this year but im kinda sketch about living in the dorms cause i just really like to be alone alot. i know my roommate already but i just feel like im gonna feel out of place. but i have been feeling out of place for a few years now. so i guess i dont have anything to really lose. its going to be an experience, that is for sure.

i lost bright futures and i really dont think my parents are going to help me out. sooo i have to come up with a lot of money by december. that is so insanely stressful. like i cant even think about it or ill want to like jump in front of a train or something.

i have been emailing back and forth with brian rahoi, who is in iraq, alot lately. its kinda funny when you get trampled on the people who have always been but never played a big part of your life are the ones who surpise you when your down. hes always been so great to me and my biggest fan and i just was so caught up in something that wasted my time to realize what i've had right here just waiting for its chance. but the timing hasnt really been right for anything with him at all and i cant really say it is now but hes just something else sometimes. i like to think about how things could be and talk myself into being with someone who is going to treat me right even if i insist on being hurt all the time. i guess all the hurting is put there to make you realize whats golden when its right in front of you. im not really sure what this going to turn out to be. i havent seen him in about a year and a half. its something to entertain my thoughts for the time being. he gets a mid tour break in september and i just cant wait to see him and see how things are. but im not wanting just start something up right now and probably not for a while. i have learned that i need to heal first before i can really just be real with someone. and the healing is going to take quite a bit of time.

i have been surprising myself lately. i dont really have much to be happy about at all with everything that has been going on in my life but i just cant help but smile. i think that i have been trying to just go with things and act like everything is cool and i have pretty much tricked myself in to believing it. i mean, im not going to get anywhere being all sad all the time and dwelling on everything that i have messed up or the people who have done me wrong or just things that didnt work out. i really have been given so many gifts that i barely have time to be thankful for but i think that everything including the things that hurt so much are gifts. and i have learned and i am learning and i am so insanely strong and i am so proud of myself. its been hell and i dont want to relive it again but i know that if things get bad i can always be like i made it through that and i can just make it through this. its pretty easy to take it every day just as it comes and soon the days start to fly by and things get distant and thing eventually get better because they really cant get worse. im gonna make my way through this and i know that im going to be so much better off because of it too and one day everyone who has just brushed me off and pushed me down is going to realize it and maybe even feel bad for it and by that time i just wont care what they think or how they feel cause ill be over and done with it all.



sooo this week.
wisdom teeth peace out on tuesday, i think ill be nervous about that when it gets closer.
and then....
recover, put all my music on my zen, shop, pack, move.
orlando by the 22nd.
oh my.


so this is alot longer than i intended it to be.